God’s Divine Equipment

If man was created in God’s image, then theology has some explaining to do.

According to the Abrahamic religions, humanity – or more precisely, men – was created in the image of God. Adam came first. Eve was later assembled from Adam’s rib like humanity’s first biological expansion pack. Which raises a question theologians tend to avoid with astonishing athleticism: if Adam had a penis… then God has one too.

And suddenly monotheism becomes much harder to discuss with a straight face.

This is not some tiny theological detail. Anatomy implies purpose. Intelligent design is constantly advertised as proof of divine perfection: every feature supposedly exists for a reason. Eyes see. Lungs breathe. Kidneys filter. Penises generally have a fairly specific job description.

So what exactly was God doing with one before creation existed?

According to theology, God existed alone for eternity. No humans. No angels. No planets. No animals. No Heaven. No Earth. Just infinite darkness and one omnipotent supernatural male floating through the void with fully equipped celestial anatomy.

Why?

What possible function could divine genitals serve in a universe containing literally nobody else?

Religious believers insist this being is perfect and all-knowing. Fine. But if God intentionally designed Himself with reproductive hardware long before reproduction existed, then we are forced into some deeply uncomfortable speculation.

Because if an eternal male being spends infinite cosmic ages alone in the void with a penis and absolutely no companionship, theology begins drifting into territory usually associated with internet search histories people clear immediately afterward. Was God just hovering in darkness for billions of years having the universe’s longest private moment?

Naturally, theologians try escaping the problem by claiming God transcends biology. Convenient. Yet scripture constantly describes Him as male: Father, King, Lord, He, Him. Never “cosmic energy.” Never “genderless consciousness.” Never “abstract metaphysical intelligence beyond sex.”

No – the Abrahamic God behaves suspiciously like a giant supernatural patriarch from the ancient Middle East.

And once religion insists God is male, the anatomical questions become unavoidable.

Come on, what does He need a penis for?

Does God urinate? If not, why include plumbing? Does He possess divine chromosomes? Testosterone? A celestial prostate?

Does He have sex? With whome? With His own mother, as Bible says? What a motherf*cker... But apparently it was a very short period in His sexual life.

Still, what did He do with His penis before He created everyone else?

Did He create the universe simply because He got bored of masturbating?..

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